ABOUT ME

Hi Ladies! Welcome to my online diary. I am known in Youtube as a Beauty & Lifestyle Vlogger (you may check out my Youtube Channel), but before I got into youtube, I have already written numerous books on Wattpad and had posted several blogs on my old sites. I don’t want to lose my passion in writing that’s why I decided to start blogging again. This site is about my journey and I’d be more than happy to share with you. Xoxo, Lady Martin

I Attract Broken Things

Thursday, January 10, 2019


“Do not fall for someone who is still trying to fix himself”

Five years ago, I had this huge crush on someone. Let’s call him “N”. I used to just look at him from a far. He didn’t know me. He wasn’t even aware of my existence. Two years after the first time I saw him, we became friends. He had just gone through a bad break up when we met. We talked to each other almost everyday for 8 months since then. At first, I really just wanted to be there as his friend. He was really devastated. His life was a mess. He was really fucked up. At some point, I really did care for him. I tried to just be there. I tried to deal with his issues. I tried to bring light to his life. I tried to fix him, but I failed. I walked away.

Almost a year ago, I met “J”. Since the day I first saw him, I knew that I already had a crush on him. He’s really cute… and really funny. He’s easy to get along with. He’s kind to everyone and most especially to his girl friend. I knew that he was in a relationship and I respect that. He’s just my crush anyway. I don’t think I’ll bring any harm as long as I don’t make a move, right? Months after… they broke up. He was hurt, I saw that. He couldn’t even mention her name without showing some pain. I saw how distracted he was, how he couldn’t focus. I felt the pain while looking at him and at that very moment I knew that I wanted to be there for him. That I wanted to help him take away every hurt that he was feeling. I tried to. I tried to be a good friend. It’s the best that I could do anyway… to just be a good friend.

Weeks later, he started calling me. He became interested on the things that I do. He started showing signs that he cares about me. Never there was a day that I didn’t second guess his intention. He actually shows signs that he actually likes me, but at the back of my mind I know that he hadn’t completely recovered from the break up. I thought of leaving and staying away from him most of the time, because I was so scared of what could happen. I was scared to be hurt. Because everyday I’m falling deeper and deeper and I’m really scared to reach the bottom, because I know when I do… it will hurt me so bad. 

I wanted to stay away, but I didn’t. I let him in my life. I opened myself. I risk my heart trying to fix him, but in the end… it was me who was left broken. 

Last night while I was out with my friends, I received a message from someone. “Ow, it was from ‘I’. How unexpected”. I’ve known him for awhile now. We work in the same industry. We’re not really close, but we exchange messages from time to time. We were just friends. Nothing more, nothing less. I knew that he has a girl friend. I didn’t think it was a big deal since we’re not really close. Though I find him really cute, like super… I had no interest since he’s already taken. That’s why when he texted me last night, I was a bit surprised. He doesn’t usually talk to me out from nowhere. I answered back, anyways.

We were just exchanging messages. It wasn’t a big deal until he suddenly asked me out. I was surprised though. I thought he has a girl friend? Why would he want to hangout with me? After a while, I found out that they’ve just broken up and he told me that he was just really devastated and he just needs someone to distract him.

WHUT? 

Wait. Distract? 

You need a distraction?

“Asshole” I thought.

I was offended. What made him think that I would want to be just a distraction? Though I’m a bit offended, I still replied calmly.

“I don’t think you need a distraction. I think you just need time”

That’s what I replied.

I refused to go out with him. I told him that we may go out when he’s already feeling better. I told him that I don’t want to go out with anyone who’s not really himself. 

Earlier this day, I blocked him. I didn’t block him because I want to though, I did that because his ex girlfriend asked me to. She told me that they have just broken up and I should respect their relationship. 

I was really pissed. 

“Why are you so angry with me? Ako ba nag chat diyan sa ex mo?”

I wanted to say those lines to his ex girlfriend, but I realized that I’m just going to waste my time and I’m just gonna make the situation worse.

Instead of fighting back, I just replied “I’m going to block him. Hope you fix your issues”.

Then she replied, “Wag mo siyang i uunblock!”. That was her last chat. Oh God, what a bitch!

I didn’t reply after that and I just did what I said I’d do and just move on with my life. 


“I attract broken things”

That’s what has been going on in my mind since this morning.

What’s wrong with me? Why do broken people keep knocking at my door? Why do they think that I could fix broken people? What made them think that I would just be there for them? 

After experiencing this a couple of times, I’ve seen the pattern. I’m more aware now with the signs. I’m smarter now compared to who I was before. I always thought that people have a good heart. I always believed in the goodness of them. I never thought that people could intentionally hurt someone. I always have big heart. Maybe that’s the reason why I had always been a victim of this kind of situations.

It really is true. Experience is our greatest teacher. If it weren’t for those people, I would never know how cruel broken people could be. They will intentionally use and hurt someone innocent just to get by. They will not mind hurting other people, because they are too focus on their pain. I learned that no matter how good your heart is, you can never fix someone who’s broken without breaking yourself.

But do you deserve that?

Do you deserve to question your self worth?

Do I deserve it?

Women are not rehabilitation centers. We are not responsible for fixing broken men. Sometimes, we settle because we like the guy. We know that we’re not being treated right yet we stay because we hold on to the thought that maybe one day he’ll change… that one day he’ll realize your worth. We keep on holding on to that “one day”… maybe one day.

But why would we settle? Why would we want to break ourselves for a broken man? Why would we allow someone to treat us like we don’t deserve to be loved, to be respected, to be treated like queens? Why are we waiting for them to change? 

Why are you waiting for him to realize your worth when you can actually stand up right now and walk away from him? Why would you wait for him to see your worth if you could give that to yourself?

Why can’t you see that you’re worth it and he’s not?

Stop wasting time. Stop settling. Stop disregarding your worth.

You.

Me.

We.

We are worth much more than fixing a broken man. We are not worthy of broken things and promises. We don’t deserve a broken heart.


And there should not be someone who could change that. Not even him.