Hi Ladies! Welcome to my online diary. I am known in Youtube as a Beauty & Lifestyle Vlogger (you may check out my Youtube Channel), but before I got into youtube, I have already written numerous books on Wattpad and had posted several blogs on my old sites. I don’t want to lose my passion in writing that’s why I decided to start blogging again. This site is about my journey and I’d be more than happy to share with you. Xoxo, Lady Martin

How Does it Feel to be Single for so Long?

Monday, March 30, 2020

How does it feel to be single for so long?  

I think I’m the most fitted person to answer that question. Many have asked me “why am I still single”, but none of them asked how does it feel like. Wether you find that question interesting or not, I would like to answer in a language that you would understand, but only my heart would know.

It feels…

Before, I was wondering if it’s impossible for our hearts not be in love nor broken at the same time. I always thought that your heart is either in love and happy with your current status, or sad and broken with someone you’ve just lost. Regardless of the two, your heart is still considered beating. Wether it’s happiness or sadness, your heart could still feel and I believe that’s what makes us human. We’re only human when we can feel… when we can love.

I thought it’s impossible to be not in love, but I was wrong. Because if it’s impossible, why does my heart not feeling anything? 

Don’t get me wrong. I’m doing good with my life right now. I actually consider this phase as the best time to focus on my career. I believe that this is the most convenient time for me to just strive for anything that I want to achieve. It’s the best time because my heart doesn’t feel anything at all. It’s neither in love nor broken. No emotional complication can affect my decisions and the things that I do in my life. It’s so convenient to the point that I almost don’t want to end this phase.

Almost… just almost.

Because there are nights when all the things on my to-do-list are already marked check, I don’t want to do anything productive and just want to chill, even if I don’t want to admit… deep down inside me I’m wishing that I have someone who cares enough to ask how my day was, how was the the video that I’ve been editing since yesterday, have I eaten already and questions that only those who genuinely care for me would be interested to ask.

There are nights when I feel so alone even if I’m not. And those are the days when the harsh truth of reality will suddenly hit me and will leave me questioning if I’m ever gonna find love again. If there will be someone again who will genuinely cares. Someone that would actually stay this time and won’t let go.

I actually want to say that I really do feel nothing. It’s better to say that than to admit that I’m actually scared. I’m scared of not feeling anything. I’m scared of growing old alone. I always fear a broken heart, but now I already know that the worst thing that could happen than having your heart broken, is actually not finding love at all.

So I guess, my final answer to the question “How does it feel to be single for so long?”…

This is my answer.

Written on December 2018